A Winter Tale
(subtitled: Diary of a Snow Shoveler)
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Ted says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Ted is such a nice man ... I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14th, 8 a.m.:
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
4 p.m.: The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 truck. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16th, 8:15 a.m.:
Ice storm. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took most all of the day. Stupid snowplow came by twice, left a massive berm, thick heavy ice both times. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Neighbor Ted says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
Neighbor Ted was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed-up to go out to shovel and then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Ted who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy plowing for money. I think the jerk is lying.
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0°F. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
6". Snow packed so hard by the snowplow that I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his hair. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at about 100 miles an hour and throws snow and ice all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for that stupid snowplow.
Merry *&'?~^^#@$+- bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then someone came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber and helper came after many hours of waiting for him, he charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes. How was I supposed to know that the lawn hose should not be left connected, and that the foundation vents had to be closed. Why doesn't someone tell me these things!
Warmed up to above -10. Still snowed in. The WITCH is driving me crazy!!!
10 more inches. Neighbor Ted says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver ...he is now suing me for a million dollars ...not only for the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?
10/15/2012: Add QR code, add language button, update Google Ad-Sense code (language button later removed due to scripting conflicts).
04/30/2016: Update metacodes, layout, etc.
01/18/2017: Metacodes, scripts, clean up HTML.
12/17/2020: Minor changes.
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Last check/edit: Thursday, December 17, 2020