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You live WHERE?

Copyright 2020, R.Fleischer

You live in a Southwest desert area (Arizona, etc.) when:

1.  You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2.  You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel....otherwise you would get 2nd degree burns.
3.  You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
4.  You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5.  You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6.  "Dress Code" is meaningless at all but a few Catholic schools.
7.  You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
8.  The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
9.  You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

You live in Central Texas when:

1.  You have more cows than people in your County.
2.  Everyone has a pickup truck.  A few folks own cars and some few of those have very old Cadillac convertibles, with
     longhorns bolted to the front and old pistols for outside door latches.
3.  You know that a string is not a thread of material, it is the pipe used on an oil drilling rig.
4.  When you see FM on a road sign, you know it is not about a radio station, but it means a Farm to Market road.
5.  You know the difference between a beer joint and a honky-tonk.
6.  In the Summer when it is 93F, you pray that it will get 5 degrees HOTTER, so the humidity will go away.

You Live in California when:

1.  You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2.  The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3.  The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4.  You know how to eat an artichoke, cook an entire garlic bunch, and peel an avocado.
5.  When someone asks you how far away something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there and not how many miles away it is.
6.  You split lanes on the freeways during Rush Hour when riding your motorcycles...and KNOW it is safer to do so.
7.  You live anyplace in middle to northern California and you say "The City" and expect everyone to know you mean San Francisco.

You live in New York City when:

1.  You say "The City" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2.  You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3.  You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4.  You think Central Park is "nature".
5.  You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6.  You've worn out a car horn.
7.  You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You Live in Maine when:

1.  You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2.  Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3.  You have more than one recipe for moose.
4.  Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5.  The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You Live in the Deep South when:

1.  You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2.  "ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3.  After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4.  "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5.  Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You live in Colorado when:

1.  You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2.  You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3.  A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4.  The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when:

1.  You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2.  Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3.  You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4.  You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5.  When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!

You live in Florida when:

1.  You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2.  All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3.  Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4.  Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5.  Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

You live in Pennsylvania when:

1.  You have an uncontrollable urge to buy bread and milk when you hear the word "snow."
2.  You say the correct pronunciation LANG-kist-er instead of the mispronounced Lan-CAST-er, and LEB-en-in instead of the equally
      incorrect Leb-a-NON.
3.  You know the only way to make good fastnachts is to cook them in LARD.
4.  You live within two miles of a plant that makes potato chips,  corn chips, pretzels, candy, or ice cream, or that packages turkeys, beans,
     or bologna.
5.  You ask the waitress for "dippy eggs" for breakfast.
6.  You say things like, "Outen the lights," "I'm calling off today," and "They're calling for snow."
7.  You think the roads in any other state are smooth.
8.  Hearing horses clopping down a paved street doesn't bring you to the window to see what's going on outside.
9.  You prefer Hershey's Chocolate to Godiva.
10.  You consider Pittsburgh to be "out west," and you know the fastest way to Philly is the Turnpike.
11.  School closings due to snow take the radio stations a half an hour to finish, because just about every town has its own school district.
12.  You call sloppy joes "barbecue."
13.  You think Medium Rare equals Well Done.
14.  When it snows, they put cinders on the roads instead of sand.
15.  You can give directions to Intercourse with a straight face.

You live at Lake Tahoe when:

1.  Unless you work at a casino, your one and only suit and tie is in the furthest reaches of your closet, and you only wear it, at most, three times a year: The Fireman's Ball; the Soroptimist's Elegant Evening; and one other time; and you never remember what that is.  If you work at a casino, you are very familiar with black and white clothing of the formal type.
2.  You KNOW that God made Tahoe first, and on the 7th day, just before resting, he made Los Angeles from left-overs.
3.  You have three types of snow shovels, all of them well worn, and are debating over whether you need a new snowblower.
4.  You own a pickup truck.  You KNOW the difference between REAL 4WD and AWD.  Your wife has a Subaru 4wd.
5.  A TRACE of snow is anything up to 2" in a few hours; a DUMP is 2 FEET.
6.  You have been to the Pray For Snow parties.
7.  You have three sets of downhill skis, poles, and boots.  You can discuss the merits of every ski resort, every run, every lift.
8.  You have ONE ski clothing outfit.
9.  You know a sidecar rig driver who uses it to go skiing.  Your one working Snowmobile, out of the three you have, is your best fun toy; but,
     close, is your pickup truck.  Any woman over the age of 40 has to have a ladder to be able to climb into its cab.  You bought that pickup,
     because the front end was intriguingly massively masculine and menacing to anyone in front of you.  You love the six roof lights you
     installed (rated 100 watts EACH).  Your neighbor also has a Dodge full size Ram pickup, jacked-up about a foot higher than its already
     high normal. It has the most aggressive and largest tires made anyplace in the world ....except for Earth Moving equipment.  It always has
     his dog in the pickup bed if he is going ANYplace .... & if he is talking to anyone... except his girlfriend inside ...their rented house.
10.  You have ALWAYS had at least ONE LARGE DOG since moving to Tahoe.
11.  A LOCAL is someone who has been living here longer than 6 months.
12.  You can talk intelligibly about what type of axe and wood splitting maul is best for each type of tree ...and you KNOW what "A" ROUND
        is, and the difference between a cord and a face-cord.
13.  While YOU speed down highway 50 in icy/snowy conditions, you discuss 'idiot tourists' driving habits with your passenger. You never get
       closer than 6 inches from the rear bumper of the car in front.  You have eyeball piercing and burning lights, not so many as your neighbor
       does though as to blind the driver in front of you, so he can't safely move over the the right, so YOU can pass him.  You honk at HIS
14.  You'd never even vaguely think of purchasing a $12.00 + hamburger at Heavenly Ski Resort, or any other ski resort, unless someone else
       will be paying for it. You collect drink tokes; and when you are out of them, you spend $$$ at the local beer bar. You were at Tep's when
       their special changed from 50% off the second dinner to two-for-one.
15.  You know EXACTLY which pocket in your ski jacket always has your energy bar in it, and exactly which pocket has anything else.
16.  You think it amusing that tourists come to Tahoe and actually purchase things at the Heavenly Village Shops.  YOU never have been in
        the City Of South Lake Tahoe's boondoggle pricey parking garage in that area unless someone else paid for the parking.
17.  Gasoline is ALWAYS too expensive at the Lake, so you make sure YOUR schedule is such that YOUR gas purchases for gasoline are
       always those times you are in the Carson Valley area, and you know the price at every gas station on Hy 395.   On the rare day your
       schedule does not work out for this, you begrudgingly buy just enough gasoline to last until your next scheduled trip to Costco.
18.  If you are a 'musician', you have a 'real' job (or three) on the side, have $5000 worth of musicians gear, a $500 car, and drive 100 miles
       for a $50 gig.
19.  You can remember the 'old days'; which included how the pit bosses would freely pass out drink tokes.
20.  If you have lived here until a very ripe old age, you "Remember the January 1952 snowstorm?", the story of which you are only too
       happy to relate to 'newcomers'.
21.  If over the age of 30, and moved here only 2 days ago, YOU have an opinion about The City Council, the County Supervisors, Snowplow
       drivers, Lake Tahoe News (on-line), The Mountain News....and, the Tahoe Daily Tribune........and...VHR's.
22.  You know where every one of the brewery's is around the Lake, and what their happy hour differences are.
23.  You know EXACTLY which restaurants to NOT eat at.
24.  You know who leaves town in the Winter for Arizona ....or Hawaii.
25.  You are working on a long list of items to add to this list, but never seem to find the time.

Copyright 2020, R.Fleischer

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Last check/edit: Thursday, August 17, 2023